shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
