Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
