I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I'm passing your future prison.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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