i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
