last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
