mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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