I feel like I'm in dance class right now
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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