im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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