Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
