that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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