How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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