I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!