He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
