there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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