one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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