guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
