she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
