I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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