Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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