I'm pants shitting drunk right now
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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