I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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