Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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