I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
