seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
