Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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