I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Randomize
