he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
