Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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