my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
