So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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