She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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