Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
