dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
