I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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