What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
