its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
