M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
