around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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