Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
