i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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