Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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