you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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