we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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