So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
