Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
