I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
