I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
