I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
why is half of my head shaved?
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