The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
