meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
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you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
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the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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