My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
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Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Help me help you realize you are a moron
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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