Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
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