I cannot find my penis.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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