are you so shy because you have an std?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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