can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
