Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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