I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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