i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
