I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
