i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
singing on the bus should be illegal
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My dick has a subreddit
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.