she woke up with a sticky ear
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
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So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
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How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves