in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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